The Many Faces of Depression

You know what makes depression hard? What makes it unexplainable? 

It has so many faces.

Sometimes it is crying every day. I’ve had so many instances of sitting in my car, trying to convince myself to stop crying and go into work. I’m not crying over any single event. I’m just sad. No real reason, no way to explain it- it’s just the way I am that week. 

Sometimes it is losing interest in everything I normally love. On weeks where I can barely do anything besides get out bed, I force myself to go through all my normal activities- weightlifting, reading, being around friends. I’ve been asked on days like these why I’m lifting if it doesn’t make me happy. It’s hard to explain that nothing will make me happy in this instance. But I know when I come out of this depressive episode, I’ll regret giving up on my passions because of my depression.

Sometimes it is utter panic. My mind and heart are going a million miles an hour. Life won’t slow down and I feel like I need to stop time just so I can manage the little things- making dinner, opening mail, paying bills. The day to day routine no longer feels easy, it feels like chains have been attached to my legs and every step is a struggle. 

And sometimes it’s sneaky. I feel fine, except that my head is telling me nobody cares. It’s telling me that I’m alone. I’m sleeping too much without knowing why. I’m overthinking everything, but feeling like my thoughts are valid. I’m overreacting and sensitive but think I have a right. 

Depression comes in many forms. It may not look they way you think it does. That’s what makes it so hard to beat and so hard to figure out. To all my friends out there trying to slay the multi headed monster- keep fighting.

This post is for my old friend from elementary school- I’m glad you can see the real me, not the face I put on in school. I love you.